


The Allfather, I Presume?

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Yet Another Gratuitously Fluffy Darcyland Soulmate AU [22]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Crack, Darcy Suffers (tm), Darcyland (Marvel), F/M, Fluff, Mistaken Identity, Ragnarok undermines this completely, SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, but when have I ever let a little thing like canon stop me?, tasertricks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 21:59:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16049399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Some people would jump at the chance to have a self-proclaimed god for a soulmate.Darcy is not one of those people.





	The Allfather, I Presume?

**Author's Note:**

> Back before the dawn of time, [LadyTeldra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyTeldra/pseuds/LadyTeldra) said 'a Darcy with Loki soulmate thing would amuse me.'  
> Hopefully this amuses :)

‘You cannot be serious!’

Odin raised an eyebrow at Thor’s outburst.  ‘You question my judgement?  Might I remind you that you refused the rule of Asgard when I offered it?’

Thor waved a hand at Darcy, who held the bilgesnipe she had found on her walk with Fandral.  ‘But to allow her to unleash that—that _thing_ on Midgard!  It will slaughter thousands before it is full grown!’

‘Hey!’  Darcy squawked indignantly, covering the bilgesnipe’s ears.  ‘He’s a sensitive little guy.  You’ll hurt his feelings.’  The bilgesnipe, who had been dozing since Darcy and Fandral returned from the forest, yawned widely.  ‘Knock that off, pal,’ she muttered, smacking him lightly between the antler nubs.  ‘They don’t need to see your teeth.’  The bilgesnipe made a weird chuffing noise and shut his mouth, but she could see a small smile.  Just how intelligent were bilgesnipes supposed to be, anyway?

Odin smiled briefly at her before turning his attention back to Thor.  ‘Your concern for the wellbeing of Midgard does you credit, my son.  But please, can you not trust that my concern is just as great?’  Thor opened his mouth, but Odin held up a hand.  ‘Enough.  Am I not the Allfather?  If I say that Darcy Lewis may have the bilgesnipe, then the bilgesnipe she shall have.’

Turning to Darcy, he added, _‘I look forward to hearing tales of your adventures, Miss Lewis.’_

She blinked.  Frowned.  Blinked again.  Jane nudged her, and she forced herself to answer with something other than a tiny scream.   _‘Well, um, thank you!  I’ll be sure to keep you posted.’_

Odin nodded regally, and Darcy sensed they’d been dismissed.  She and Jane trotted after Thor, who was stalking majestically out of the throne room.  At any other time, she would have snickered at the way you could all but see the thunderclouds forming above the disgruntled thunder god’s head.  Right now, though, she had more pressing matters to think about.

She waited until they were safely out of the throne room and therefore—hopefully—earshot before turning to her friend.  ‘Jane?’  Her voice came out half-an-octave higher than usual and rather distressingly squeaky.  Clearing her throat, she tried again.  ‘I think Odin’s my soulmate.’

* * *

 

Loki waited until the throne room was empty before letting the glamour drop.  Although he enjoyed ruling Asgard, and was far better at it than he expected, things had been too quiet for his liking recently.  This, however, was an entirely unexpected development.  For a mortal, Darcy Lewis was quite entertaining, and he would have looked forward to following the adventures of her and her bilgesnipe simply for the amusement he could derive from watching the havoc they would wreak on Midgard and among the Avengers.

That, however, was before he knew she was his soulmate.  Never would he have dreamed of having a Midgardian for a soulmate.  It was ironic that he and Thor should be alike in this, when they were alike in precious little else.  He wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it, either.  Just a few years ago, he would have scorned the notion that a mere mortal could be the soulmate of a god such as he, but now he found he didn’t mind it all that much.  Perhaps the years had mellowed him.

Well, the years, one unsuccessful coup, an unsuccessful invasion, a—frustratingly—successful imprisonment, a successful faked death, and a second, extremely successful coup—could he really call it a coup when he hadn’t actually overthrown anything?  No matter. “Coup” sounded better than “standing in for the missing Allfather.”

Regardless, he was far less inclined to reject the connection outright and perfectly willing to actually get to know her.  Besides, as his soulmate, Darcy was _his_.  She was completely separate from Asgard, from Jotunheim, from all the lies and rejection and…occasional missteps.  Yes, he was quite looking forward to getting to know Miss Lewis.  If she was anything like Thor’s soulmate, she would certainly have fire.

* * *

 

‘What am I gonna do, Jane?’  Darcy was whining, and she wasn’t ashamed to admit it.  She deserved a little whining after the day she’d had.  ‘Apparently I have an intergalactic tyrant for a soulmate!’  On her lap, the bilgesnipe—she’d decided to christen him Balrog—flicked an ear and opened one eye, studied her face for a minute, and went back to sleep.  Easy for _him_.  It wasn’t like _he_ had an unwanted soulmate bond hanging over his head.

Jane thoughtfully scratched her head with a screwdriver.  ‘Actually, I can kinda see how that fits.  Just think, Darcy—you could rule the galaxy!’

Darcy glared at her.  ‘A:  Not helping, Jane!  B:  I don’t wanna rule the galaxy.  Keeping you jokers in line is enough work as it is.  And C:  Not. Helping. Jane!’  She punctuated her last point by repeatedly swatting Jane with an empty pop-tart box, all that remained of the pastries they’d smuggled into Asgard.  Jane cackled, batting the box out of Darcy’s hand with her screwdriver.  Darcy rolled her eyes.  ‘Besides, I’d rather leave the ruling of the galaxy to you, future Mrs. Thor.’  Jane paled slightly, and Darcy smirked.  Obviously the prospect of running an entire galaxy wasn’t nearly as amusing when it was hanging over her head as opposed to her longsuffering Science!gremlin.

Jane cleared her throat.  ‘Anyway, look on the bright side,’ she began.  Darcy groaned theatrically and let her head drop on the table, being careful not to disturb Balrog in the process.  Any time Jane attempted to be optimistic or hand out Life Advice, it usually ended in explosions.  Jane frowned and poked her with the screwdriver.   _‘Look on the bright side_ —he struck me as much less of an intergalactic tyrant than the last time I met him.  That time he was willing to let me die so as not to upset the powers that be.  This time around he just seemed like, I don’t know—’ she waved the screwdriver vaguely ‘—a creepy uncle type.’

Darcy lifted her head to glare balefully at her so-called friend.  ‘Exactly _how_ is this supposed to make me feel better?’

‘You won’t have to worry about him letting you die if you ever get possessed by an infinity stone?’

‘Oddly enough, that’s never been a problem for me.’  Darcy narrowed her eyes pointedly.  ‘Unlike _some_ people who shall remain nameless but whose initials are Jane Andromeda Foster.’

Jane rolled her eyes.  ‘Yeah, yeah.  I get possessed by _one_ infinity stone and I never hear the end of it.  We got it straightened out, didn’t we?’

‘With a little—no, make that a _lot_ —of help from your friends, including but not limited to your absolutely awesome best friend—that’s me, by the way, hello!—your admittedly yummy Eomir look-alike soulmate, and your admittedly-yummy-Eomir-look-alike-soulmate’s late completely bonkers younger brother.’

Jane pursed her lips.  ‘True.  But again, look on the bright side!  It could be worse—you could be Loki’s soulmate!’

Darcy grunted.  ‘You’re right, that would be worse.’  She grinned in spite herself, scratching Balrog between the antler nubs as he rumbled contentedly.  ‘At least Odin doesn’t seem inclined to inflict his crazy on earth, unlike his nutter kids.  Though one could argue that banishing Thor to earth in the first place _was_ in fact inflicting his crazy on us.’

‘See?  Now you’re thinking positive, Lewis!  At least it’s not Loki!’

* * *

 

Between his many responsibilities as the de-facto ruler of Asgard—responsibilities!   _He_ had _responsibilities!_  Sometimes he was tempted to reveal himself just to see the look on Thor’s face when that knowledge sank in—and the difficulty of catching Darcy alone—why was she always surrounded by so many _people?_  Especially that annoying fop Fandral.  Loki had never particularly cared for him even _before_ he started monopolizing _his_ soulmate—it was some time before Loki could properly introduce himself to his soulmate.

He finally managed to disguise himself as a guard and track her down in the suite of rooms that were hers for the duration of her and Dr. Foster’s stay on Asgard.  She wasn’t strictly alone, but he wasn’t too concerned about the bilgesnipe.  After all, he was the one who gave it to her.  If anything, that should count in his favour.

She looked up with a puzzled frown as he entered.  ‘Uh, hey there.  Can I help you?’

‘I certainly hope so,’ he said, and let the glamour drop.

She jumped up with a strangled cry.  The bilgesnipe tumbled from her lap with a squawk, shooting her a reproachful glare from the floor.  She didn’t notice, too busy staring at Loki.

He grinned.  ‘Allow me to introduce myself.’  He made a sweeping bow. ‘I am Loki, of—’

‘I know who you are.  Great googly-moogly, does no-one stay _dead_ anymore?!’

‘You’ve heard of me.’  He couldn’t help the stab of pride at the knowledge that he wasn’t completely unknown to his soulmate.

‘Of _course_ I’ve heard of you!  You’re the narcissistic whackjob who leveled half of Puente Antigo because your parents didn’t tell you that you were adopted, and _then_ went on to level a third of New York because you wanted attention.’

‘A rather crude way of putting it, but—’

‘So what?  Did you go to TAHITI with Phil, or did you pull a Sherlock and fake your death?’

‘I don’t—’

‘You pulled a Sherlock, didn’t you?  You didn’t want to let Thor send you back to the slammer, so you let him think you died in front of him.  That’s messed up, dude!’

He raised a brow.  ‘What, more so than my city-leveling exploits?’ he asked dryly.

She jabbed a vicious finger at him.  ‘Don’t sass me, buster.  Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t call Thor in here to zap you with Mew-Mew.’

It wasn’t the best opening, but he’d take it.  ‘I am your soulmate.’

‘Is that really the best you can—Wait, what?’

‘I, Loki Laufeyson, am your, Darcy Lewis’, soulmate.  Congratulations!’

‘But I thought…  Wait, that means that you…’  She was frowning into space, muttering under her breath.  ‘Still not sure if that’s better or worse.’

He cleared his throat.  ‘I think it wise to inform you that your friend Dr. Foster already took it upon herself to rebuke me for my ill-advised efforts to conquer your world.’

‘She mentioned it, yeah.’  She shrugged distractedly, still frowning at nothing.

He shot her his best winning smile.  ‘So I’m sure you’ll agree that slapping me is hardly necessary in this case.’

She blinked and dragged her attention back to him.  A slow smile spread across her face.  ‘Oh, I have no intention of slapping you,’ she said, and pulled a small device from behind her back.  In the split-second she took to point it at him, he had the horrible realization that it was probably the same device she’d used to fell Thor when he’d been banished to Midgard.

‘Oh, dear,’ was all he had time to say before he was struck by her lightning and promptly blacked out.

* * *

 

When he awoke, he wasn’t particularly surprised to find himself handcuffed to a chair, his soulmate seated across from him with her lightning device trained in his direction and the bilgesnipe curled up in her lap.  She looked marginally happier than she had before, and he suspected his current predicament was responsible for the improvement to her temper.

‘Morning, sunshine.’

He straightened from his slumped position and winced as his arms protested the strain.  ‘I really should have expected that response.’

‘Yeah, you really should have.’

‘All the same, I am grateful you did not simply hand me over to Thor and be done with it.’  He cocked his head.  ‘Why _did_ you not simply hand me over to Thor?’

She shrugged.  ‘Way I see it, you’re my problem at the moment.  What with the whole—’ she grimaced ‘—soulmate issue and all.  You’re not going anywhere, so I might as well hear what you have to say for yourself.  I can always taze you again and hand you over to Thor later.  So tell me:  What did you do with Odin?  Not that I care for him personally, you understand, but if you’re impersonating him, that’s got to mean you’ve got some kind of nefarious scheme running.  What is it?’

‘Truthfully, I know not where Odin is, and I had nothing to do with his disappearance.  I’ve merely been… What is that Midgardian phrase?’  He snapped his fingers.  ‘Ah, yes.  “Holding down the fort” in his absence.  And doing it rather well, I might add.’

‘Modest, aren’t you?’

‘Not at all.’

‘Your story is that you got back from faking your death to find Asgard Allfather-less, and decided to embrace your civic duty by impersonating him?’

He nodded thoughtfully.  ‘A reasonable summation of events, yes.’

She narrowed her eyes.  ‘That’s just great.  You’re having fun playing king, and I nearly have a heart attack thinking I’m saddled with a soulmate who makes Denethor look like father of the year!’

‘I don’t know who that is—’

‘That’s ’cause you’re an uncultured heathen.’

‘Only by the standards of your primitive planet, which are, by definition, primitive.’

She raised an eyebrow.  ‘Way to sell the whole “But Darcy, I’ve changed!” story.’

‘A fair point.’  He inclined his head solemnly.  ‘My apologies for insulting your world, which I am certain has many redeeming qualities over and above the fact that it produced you.  But I confess, I don’t understand why you’re so upset.  We’ve already established that I’m your soulmate, not Odin.  Besides, finding one’s soulmate is supposed to be a joyous occasion, is it not?’

She grabbed the cushion from her chair and threw it at him, hitting him square in the face.  ‘I THOUGHT FRIGGA WAS GOING TO COME AFTER ME FOR STEALING HER SOULMATE, YOU WACKO!’

He blinked.  ‘You have a point.  Mother can be intimidating, can she not?  You have my apologies for that, but in my defense, it isn’t as though I planned to meet my soulmate while wearing the guise of my missing adoptive father.’

She glared at him mulishly.

‘I gave you a bilgesnipe,’ he reminded her, nodding at the creature.

She rolled her eyes.  ‘Please. You were going to let me walk out of there with Balrog whether I was your soulmate or not, just because you’re counting on him wreaking havoc when we get back to earth.’

He grinned.  ‘Already it’s as if you can read my mind.  See?  We _are_ made for each other!’

‘Anyway,’ she continued, ignoring his attempt at flirtation, 'I’m not so sure that Power-mad Trickster with Delusions of Grandeur is any improvement over King Que-Sera-Sera in the soulmate department.’

‘You wound me.’

She twirled the lightning device and grinned darkly.  ‘Trust me, buddy, you’d know if I wounded you.’

‘Would it do any good to tell you that I have, in fact, changed?  I’ve not staged a single invasion nor attempted to kill anyone—anyone undeserving, at least—since my unceremonious defeat at the hands of your Avengers.’  He lifted his palms, the closest he could get to spreading his hands at the moment.  ‘Surely that must count for something?’

‘What do you want, a gold star?’  She let her head drop onto the back of her chair.  ‘Sweet Mew-Mew, why are the cute ones always bonkers?’

He brightened.  ‘You think me cute?’

She lifted her head to blink at him, and he could see the exact moment she realized she’d spoken aloud.  ‘Oh, no, I didn’t—that is, I never said that!’

He leaned forward, grinning slowly as he watched the flustered blush spread across her cheeks.  ‘I’m glad you find me “cute.”  For I believe it only fair to tell you that I find you quite attractive, as well, and your penchant for mischief remarkably endearing.’

‘Shut up, dweeb.’  Despite her bravado, she was still blushing, and her lips twitched as she fought a smile.

‘You’re rather adorable when you’re spouting petty insults.  Might I propose a truce?  I promise to refrain from attempting to conquer your planet and limit myself to trickery of a strictly non-lethal variety, and in exchange you can release me from this chair and refrain from—what did you call it?—tazing me again.’

She chewed on the inside of her lip for a long moment, stroking Balrog as she thought.  Finally, she nodded slowly.  ‘Fine.  But you have to help the good guys in the next three major conflicts at least—“help,” “good guys,” and “major conflict” to be defined by me when the time comes—and the second I get the slightest whiff of psycho from you, I will taze your pointy noggin so fast you’ll _wish_ I’d just let Thor drop Mew-Mew on you.’

‘Fair enough.’

Holstering the device, she scooped up the bilgesnipe and deposited him on the chair before making short work of releasing him from the cuffs, all the while watching him as if she expected him to snap at any moment.

As soon as he was free he got to his feet and caught her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it.  ‘Miss Lewis, it is an honour to be your soulmate.’

She snorted, but didn’t pull her hand away.  ‘Yeah, yeah, simmer down.  And, um, thanks, by the way.  For Balrog,’ she added, nodding to the bilgesnipe, who look vaguely amused by the whole proceedings.

‘You are most welcome.  He makes an excellent courting gift, don’t you agree?  Much better than mere access to Asgarian science like my brother gave your Dr. Foster.’

‘Yeah, I suppose—wait, who said anything about courting?’

‘Well, I’m sure you’ll want to inform your friends of recent developments, so I won’t keep you any longer,’ he said, darting around her and making for the door.

‘Hang on a minute, you can’t just drop bombs like that and then waltz off!  Get back here!’  She grabbed at him, but he was too quick.

‘Farewell, Darcy.  I look forward to getting to know you.  Just think of the glorious chaos we shall wreak together!’

‘Loki!  I’m not done with you, you little psycho!’

He could hear her yelling about how she was going to train Balrog to chew on his foot all the way down the hall, and he couldn’t repress his grin.  How could he have ever thought a Midgardian soulmate would be boring?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Loki's evil plan backfires somewhat, because Balrog doesn't let him get away with anything and will often gang up on him with Darcy. But as they get used to each other, they start ganging up on the Avengers for mischief. Once he's been sufficiently rehabilitated. Darcy flatly refuses to admit that having the god of mischief for a soulmate comes in handy, but Loki Knows.
> 
> So obviously this isn't compliant with Ragnarok at ALL. This is because I wrote it a good year before Ragnarok came out, but was waiting to post in prompt order. But I also wanted to post something Darcy, since I've fallen into a new fandom hole recently (watch Timeless! It's amazing!), and this was all ready to go, so.
> 
> Feel free to drop a prompt in the comments below (yes, I am still taking them, yes, it will probably be a short eternity before you see the results, but no, I haven't stopped writing these) or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you!
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
